I have spent years working to befriend my most powerful inner critics: the perfectionist and the people-pleaser. I know how they work for me and against me. I know how to calm them down when they get triggered and start over-functioning. So imagine my frustration when I took a “saboteur assessment” my coach sent me and identified another equally powerful inner critic: the controller.
My instinct was to reject it. “That’s not me, I don’t agree with the results.” But the more I unpacked it with my coach, the more I could see the ways that my inner controller interferes in my life. Internally, it’s actually very helpful. I feel driven to figure out what I can control in any given situation so that I can focus on those things. As a coach, I’m not afraid to push people or challenge them to help them grow. I have no problem stepping into a leadership role, generally speaking, either. But externally? The controller terrifies me. Am I coming off too aggressive? Too critical? Too arrogant?
I only stopped rejecting it once I allowed it to exist as a subset of my inner people-pleaser. Brains are funny like that. I know that my intentions are never to cause conflict, assume that I know best, or intimidate others. But that’s what the inner controller is known for: conflict, overused confidence, and intimidation. My intentions are always to lessen other people’s burden, or protect myself from feeling like my voice won’t be heard. But then I hear “impact over intention” in my head and I become fearful again. Ironically, my inner controller wants to control that narrative around how others perceive me.
During this same coaching conversation, I remembered a story from my time in corporate that highlights how impactful this inner critic can be for me. A big part of my old job was chasing down approvals from executives (if you know, you know). Somehow, I got labeled “a bulldog” because I was persistent in my nagging. That label hurt me so deeply because I knew that I was already going out of my way to be friendly and accommodating to these executives. I went above and beyond, and still I was given a negative label. I hated that I could not control what others were saying about me, especially when the words felt so unfair and inaccurate.
I think that’s why I associate this controller part of me with my people-pleasing part. From my perspective, I was people-pleasing, not trying to control. I knew the CEO would not approve anything without the answer to his usual 10 questions, so I would get those answers before I even reached out. I wanted to make everyone’s lives and jobs easier. It was such a slap in the face for my boss, who I felt I was close to, to accept that “bulldog” label and use it with me as if it had any truth to it.
But now I wonder, was there truth to it? Had my people-pleasing caused so much resentment to build up in me that I was not actually being as friendly and accommodating as I had intended? Is this inner controller a blind spot I need to work harder to see?
I don’t have all the answers yet, but I’m hopeful that I’ll find them. I’m aware of the controller’s existence now, and awareness is always the first step for me.